“There’s nothing wrong with being happy. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying something so much that it strips away all that irony and cynicism. And there’s nothing wrong with loving anything so much that it feels like it could pull your heart out of your chest and toss it on the floor. We build ourselves up to not do that, and then we build up the armor so thickly that we have trouble finding what’s underneath. We use that as an excuse to lash out at people who do feel stuff, who do like things (and I am, of course, mostly saying this about myself). It’s hard sometimes to remember that the world isn’t a place to glide through, so nothing can touch you. It’s a place to be experienced.”—Todd VanDerWerff
“Why doesn’t anyone acknowledge how hard everything can be? And how some bad habits just don’t dissolve on your 31st birthday? Or that you can have the same bad day over and over again? Life doesn’t have the kind of endings you see in magazines or movies. Things linger past their expiration date and if people felt like they could talk about it, maybe they’d have a better chance at actually becoming the person they want to be. Saying “I’m not okay” may be what finally makes you okay.”—Ryan O’Connell, Why You’re Not Allowed To Be A Trainwreck
I always thought that moving and starting a new chapter in my life would be exciting and that just maybe, I wouldn’t be sitting on my bed, crying, having barely packed any bags.
I’m just so scared of getting out there and hating it, but having to sign a lease and live there because I don’t really have anything else going on in my life and don’t really have any other options. Everyone just keeps saying “what would you do if you weren’t going to LA? Just sit in GP and do nothing?” And I know that this is probably for the best and it is something that I should be excited for, I just can’t get there.
All I can think about is leaving behind the two best friends that I’ve ever had.
I think that I’m fine, but then I remember something that makes me want to tear my heart out.
Today, it was Arrested Development Season 1 on DVD. I remembered that you got it for me on Valentine’s Day 2009. It was your pledge day and I was hoping that I would at least get to see you for part of the day. I was worried that you would be so preoccupied with your new fraternity that you wouldn’t want to see me. You came over to my room, already hungover from the morning activities and you handed me a present. It was wrapped in newspaper and the only reason I remember that is because it was the first time you had actually wrapped a present for me.
I didn’t think we were getting each other presents that year. I was shocked that you had taken the time to actually get me something. You said that you wanted me to have a nice Valentine’s Day. I opened the present, thanked you profusely, and proceeded to feel terrible that I didn’t get you anything. You said it didn’t matter. We ordered a pizza and watched Zack and Miri Make a Porno. It was a bad movie, but I was happy to just be laying with you on my futon.